30 Jan 2007 @ 12:01 AM 

I was thinking, down the road, when I get my five minutes centuries of fame and it might go something like this:

Jay Leno: Kelvin, congratulations on saving the world once again from the clutches of Dr. Evil. What would we do without you?

Kelvin: Well, Jay. It’s just another day as President of the Earth. Your chin looks great.

JL: Thank you Kelvin. I just had a chin job. So, you’ve invented renewable energy, cured cancer and impotency, eradicated racism and instilled world peace. We can only wonder, what’s next in that brilliant mind of yours?

K: It just comes natural to me, Jay. Like what every beauty pageant contestant in the past 20 years said, “My motivation is to put a smile on every person’s face and make the world a better place.” I wake up every day and ask myself, what can I do to make another person happy.

JL: You were in show business and won every award out there from best actor, best director, best movie, best song, best on screen kiss, best scene of a guy doing nothing, and even best actress (Kelvin’s note: That’s a story for another day). Why did you stop?

K: Acting is just that, acting. I am sick of being someone I’m not. At the end of the day, Tobey Maguire can’t shoot webs, Mark Hamill can’t use the Force and Britney Spears can’t sing. I want to do something more fulfilling, something that is me. Hence, my contribution to mankind.

JL: Your close friends said that you have a wicked sense of humour and it cracks them up all the time. What kind of humour?

K: Why don’t you check my site out at Kelvin-Lew.com?

We then proceed to close our eyes and log on to the Internet (our brains are connected directly to the Internet in the future). Hence the reason I wrote this article.

I would say my sense of humour is loosely based on the types I’m going to explain below. I’m not a natural born comedian and neither do I have a witty mind, but I do sometimes come out with stuff that cracks my friends (mostly the missus) up. If you happen to meet me in person (all 2 of you), don’t expect me to make you laugh and all, I need to warm up to the person and feel comfortable enough before I get into the zone. I’m a bit shy (yeah, right).

I still remember I had a crowd in stitches with a spontaneous act with this guy. It was a church gathering and we got away swearing on stage. Good times.

Wit

If you happened to browse through my photos on this site, you might notice that you don’t get the captions. Well, it means you’re witless or a plain dumbass. But whatever. My biggest influence had to be the tonnes of FHM that I read.  It’s the UK edition mind you.  Not the “cleaner than ‘Knitting for Grandmothers’ FHM Malaysian Edition”. Even the Bible is racier, what with the Virgin Mary and all.  FHM readers will know what I’m talking about.

Lame or 冷

James Bond is all prepared for his next assignment in Taiwan.

James Bond is all prepared for his next assignment in Taiwan.

My main influence of this kind of humour is the guy on the left, Jacky Wu (吴宗宪), a taiwanese entertainer. Watching his shows since secondary school and even more recently, helped me attain a level of lameness so profound that scholars might one day write a paper on it. He has the ability to think on his feet and tell lame jokes which attracts audiences to his every show. For an example of 冷笑话:

我说一个感人的故事给你听…”给我滚!”. 我再说一个很感人的故事…”快给我滚!”

To the bananas who don’t understand, too bad. Go learn chinese. And those who can read chinese but still don’t get it, congratulations, you are not lame because you still can walk (now THAT’S lame).

Besides that, I would like to thank my friends and the missus on putting up with me all these years. For laughing when getting it, and for faking a laugh when not getting it. But mostly for refraining from punching me in the crotch.

Randomness

It’s hard to explain this. Read this comic, and read this blog I did while I had too much time on my hands which was a parody of the now locked Cirnelle’s.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 04 Jan 2009 @ 12:17 AM

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 24 Jan 2007 @ 11:51 PM 
God had a bad case of dandruff.

God had a bad case of dandruff.

I was supposed to have an exam in 20 minutes but thanks (rather no thanks) to the snow, my lecturer is snowed in and stuck somewhere. So the exam is postponed. I’d rather get it done with.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 11:53 PM

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 22 Jan 2007 @ 11:43 PM 

Sorry for the lack of updates. (I don’t know actually who I’m apologizing to, since no one ever reads the stuff I write anyway. It then means I’m actually apologizing to myself, which is kinda sad. And since it is I who are to blame for the tardiness, why would I need to apologize to myself? Ouch, my head hurts).

However, to conform to the faux pas of the blogging world for not informing your readers beforehand if you tend to have a break from blogging (or the overused “hiatus”), I have to apologize to all my (imaginary and non-existent) readers/worshippers for clicking refresh on your browser and checking if your Internet connection still works every 3.62 minutes for the past few days just to be the first to read my written treasure.

Back to the topic, it’s not worth reading any further as you’re going to waste your time just like you wasted reading the above 2 paragraphs.

I just wanna put a note to myself here to remind me what to do with my blog/website/waste of time.

  • Finish uploading all the photos in my collection.
  • Think of witty captions and if not possible, make a penis joke.
  • Write articles of my travels before I lose my memory due to smoking too much weed.
  • Stop using penis jokes.
  • Clean up some code by using CSS style sheets.
  • Stop smoking weed before I lose my memory.
  • Try to find a sharper image for the front page to emphasise on my imperfections, so that people will register and login to avoid seeing it again and again.

See, I told you it’s a waste of time to read this. Now you’ve lost 2 minutes of your time that you will never get back. You could have made a nice bowl of instant noodles instead.

Oh yeah, before I forget; I should stop smoking weed.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 11:46 PM

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 13 Jan 2007 @ 11:25 PM 

The New Year Celebrations have come and gone and most of you have made resolutions and broken them even before your hangover subsided from New Year’s Eve. Well I know mine is broken.

I won’t be listing my resolutions down here like 23% of the blogs out there (and the other 44% which nobody reads, 30% with entries from 2004 and 3% of totally cool blogs which try so hard to not be a blog but end up being a blog anyway, like this one)*

* Statistics from the Institute of Incomplete Research: States that 44% of people are…

I’ll just cut the crap and start writing about what this article is actually about. It’s a list of gadgets or cool stuff which I plan to procure in 2007 legally or otherwise, one way or another, through payment in cash or sexual favours… you get the idea. Without further ado, the candidates (in random order):

Xbox 360 Premium (not the lame ass core version) Price EUR 399

A video game console which makes money by forcing you to buy add ons.

A video game console which makes money by forcing you to buy add ons.

This video game console has been out for over a year by Microsoft and has so far ironed out a few of the hardware issues which plagued it during its launch. It’s matured like a good whiskey, some love it, some hate it (I don’t know how I came out with these nonsense).

There are a few good games out there such as Gears of War, Rainbow Six: Vegas and Barbie Horse Adventures (kidding!) which I would like to have a go. Besides that, the Xbox Live service is popular (unlike the non-existent-ghost-town-like-”Where-the-heck-is everyone”-PS2-online-service). However, I’m not really a fan of multiplayer gaming, been having my ass handed back to me one time to many. (I don’t suck, there are a lot of cheaters). There’s nothing like curling up with your favourite game at home alone on a Saturday afternoon (unless of course if you consider sex, nothing beats sex).

1080p LCD TV Price circa EUR 2000

Sharp or Samsung

Sharp or Samsung

(I used circa, it’s Latin, I’m so cool). To fully utilize the capabilities of a next generation (shouldn’t it be this generation since it’s already out?) console, I need a 1080p Full HD LCD TV. As I plan to game until my eyes bleed, I shall treat my eyes with super sharp visuals before I go blind.

Getting an LCD TV is one thing, but getting one cheap enough with the correct specifications is an art (more like a miracle) all by itself. But being the smart shopper that I am (read: kiamsiap), I’ll be on the lookout for price drops all the time. So far 2 sets fulfill my demands. Sharp LC-37XD1E or a Samsung 40F71B. Jury is still out on each one as both of them have their pros and cons.

Robosapien RS Media Price EUR 450

"All your base are belong to us"

"All your base are belong to us"

To fulfill my lifelong dream of commanding a robot army that will annihilate mankind, I decided that Robosapien RS Media from WowWee should do the trick. Also, since I have the other 2 of its predecessors, it totally makes sense to continue the collection (nobody likes a quitter).

It seems this new and improved RS Media not only does what Robosapien V2 can, it has the ability to play videos, music and photos through its speakers and LCD screen. Besides, I’m a sucker for robots too. Now to find a working flamethrower for my world domination plans.

Nintendo Wii Price EUR 289

Have fun playing with your Wii

Have fun playing with your Wii

Despite having a name which is the butt of numerous jokes (“Wait mum, I’m playing with my Wii.”, “I’m going to have a Wii for Christmas.” etc), this least powerful of the next gen consoles is surprisingly well received and fun to play with (hence the name. It is also not recommended that you play with your Wii in public as people will give you strange looks. The branding guys in Nintendo are geniuses!).

Its innovative WiiMote and Nunchuck accessory (which looks like a pleasure tool for the ladies, hey it even vibrates!), seems to be a hit with kids and adults alike (that sounds wrong). Despite it being the cause of various injuries and damages, I still want one. Maybe now my girlfriend will appreciate the pleasure of gaming.

Sony Playstation 3 Price EUR 599

Some hate it, some love it, but most want it.

Some hate it, some love it, but most want it.

Right out of the box, it plays games, Blu Ray movies, music, videos, photos, goes online, has Wifi capabilities, runs Linux and of course burns a hole in your pocket (still a good deal considering the cheapest Blu Ray players on the market is about $1000). In short, I want one (or two).

Since having a Playstation console since its inception (Playstation, PSOne, Playstation 2 and PS2 Slim), it is only natural that I would want the 3rd one. With games like Metal Gear Solid 4 coming out, how can I say no? I even preordered one last August (a whole 7 months before it’s launched in Europe!) only to give it up as I think I should wait until after I get a new TV first.

P.S. Santa, I’ve been a good boy for 2 weeks now. Score me one, will ya?

Total damage: EUR 3737

Seeing your pathetic faces when I conquer the world: PRICELESS!

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 11:43 PM

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 08 Jan 2007 @ 9:01 PM 

我会将我听回来的和自创的冷笑话在这和大家分享。

冷笑话1:

在森林里有个蛋糕,他已放弃了人生(蛋糕生?)而且还想自杀。 但来了一只动物,令蛋糕反省了过来。那是什么动物呢?

是猪,因为猪鼓励蛋糕!

冷笑话2:

Saddam, Bush, Blair 和 Mahathir 在打麻将。 请问谁赢呢?

Saddam, 因为 Saddam 胡先。

冷笑话3:

请用 Elephant 造句.
我昨天从我妈那儿” A 了粉(很)” 多钱.

冷笑话4:

长腿的女人,猜两个字
唇膏(高)
长腿的男人,猜两个字
蛋糕(高)

冷笑话5:

有一天,有一个软糖在街上走路。
她走着走着,突然说:“啊呀!我的腿好软啊!”

冷笑话6:

有个香蕉先生和女朋友约会,走在街上,天气很热,香蕉先生就把衣服脱掉了,之后他的女朋友就摔倒了。

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 09:23 PM

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 08 Jan 2007 @ 2:48 PM 

Today I shall start my part time job as an assistant for a product analysis and designer in the Mechanical Team of Nokia Ulm, Germany. (A position I made up, but I think my real position is much fancier).

Bird's eye view of Nokia Ulm at Lise-Meitner Strasse, Ulm

Bird's eye view of Nokia Ulm at Lise-Meitner Strasse, Ulm

Assistant sounds really gay, sorta like his bitch or something. Well, sorry to disappoint you, I’m not, you sadist. Well part of my mission, should I accept it (that’s lame), is to evaluate the design of a part (mostly mechanisms and covers) of mobile phones through the use of CAD (Computer Aided Design, for all you engineering challenged folks out there) tools and software.

This isn’t my first time working there though. I did a 6 months internship there in 2005, but the position wasn’t really demanding. Just had to prepare testing jigs for prototyping and measurements.

So I just sit at my workstation (where work stops, get it, sorta like a bus station where the bus stops… hehe, snort) and act busy. Cool job huh?

However, I’m really grateful to have a position which interests me a great deal. It’s product design and technology and gadgets. Hmm… I wonder how can I incorporate video games in it? Also it’s relevant to my field of study, loafing around drinking coffee engineering.

Plus, I get to have cool phones way before it gets to the market. And the pay helps too. And money is always welcome. Always

So, why the “sort of” in the title? Well, due to the amazing wonders of German efficiency during the Christmas holidays, my account for the workstation is still not processed. Hence the cause and effect phenomenon of no workstation, no work.

Loafing in front of computer

Loafing in front of computer

In conclusion, here I am loafing around and drinking coffee…only at home.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 09:00 PM

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 07 Jan 2007 @ 2:46 PM 

Personally it’s hard NOT to know how to blog. I mean take a look at the definition at Wikipedia, it covers almost every angle of writing and publishing on the web. As long as you can put coherent words (or even incoherent for some) together, it’s a blog!

I started this website with trying not to make it into a blog. But how do I do it?

If I start posting close up headshots of myself, I’m a camwhore blogger, if I like to talk about my glorious manhood, it’s a blog. If I start to write about things that I love, it’s also a blog. Heck I think I’ll start hating everyone, talk about politics in my country or write chinese poetry. Even those are blogs.

Wait, I’ll put ‘em all in together. I’ll have politicians camwhoring their manhood while reciting incoherently chinese poetry. What about the hate, you ask? Well, everybody hates politicians.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 02:47 PM

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 04 Jan 2007 @ 7:00 AM 

After numerous trials and tribulations, I have a site of my own.

Who am I kidding? I was just too lazy before to actually build my own site. All in all, it’s a pretty educational journey. There will be more improvements but for now I’ve got the articles working.

Now let’s see how long I can keep my site updated.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2009 @ 02:19 PM

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