30 Jan 2007 @ 12:01 AM 

I was thinking, down the road, when I get my five minutes centuries of fame and it might go something like this:

Jay Leno: Kelvin, congratulations on saving the world once again from the clutches of Dr. Evil. What would we do without you?

Kelvin: Well, Jay. It’s just another day as President of the Earth. Your chin looks great.

JL: Thank you Kelvin. I just had a chin job. So, you’ve invented renewable energy, cured cancer and impotency, eradicated racism and instilled world peace. We can only wonder, what’s next in that brilliant mind of yours?

K: It just comes natural to me, Jay. Like what every beauty pageant contestant in the past 20 years said, “My motivation is to put a smile on every person’s face and make the world a better place.” I wake up every day and ask myself, what can I do to make another person happy.

JL: You were in show business and won every award out there from best actor, best director, best movie, best song, best on screen kiss, best scene of a guy doing nothing, and even best actress (Kelvin’s note: That’s a story for another day). Why did you stop?

K: Acting is just that, acting. I am sick of being someone I’m not. At the end of the day, Tobey Maguire can’t shoot webs, Mark Hamill can’t use the Force and Britney Spears can’t sing. I want to do something more fulfilling, something that is me. Hence, my contribution to mankind.

JL: Your close friends said that you have a wicked sense of humour and it cracks them up all the time. What kind of humour?

K: Why don’t you check my site out at Kelvin-Lew.com?

We then proceed to close our eyes and log on to the Internet (our brains are connected directly to the Internet in the future). Hence the reason I wrote this article.

I would say my sense of humour is loosely based on the types I’m going to explain below. I’m not a natural born comedian and neither do I have a witty mind, but I do sometimes come out with stuff that cracks my friends (mostly the missus) up. If you happen to meet me in person (all 2 of you), don’t expect me to make you laugh and all, I need to warm up to the person and feel comfortable enough before I get into the zone. I’m a bit shy (yeah, right).

I still remember I had a crowd in stitches with a spontaneous act with this guy. It was a church gathering and we got away swearing on stage. Good times.


If you happened to browse through my photos on this site, you might notice that you don’t get the captions. Well, it means you’re witless or a plain dumbass. But whatever. My biggest influence had to be the tonnes of FHM that I read.  It’s the UK edition mind you.  Not the “cleaner than ‘Knitting for Grandmothers’ FHM Malaysian Edition”. Even the Bible is racier, what with the Virgin Mary and all.  FHM readers will know what I’m talking about.

Lame or 冷

James Bond is all prepared for his next assignment in Taiwan.

James Bond is all prepared for his next assignment in Taiwan.

My main influence of this kind of humour is the guy on the left, Jacky Wu (吴宗宪), a taiwanese entertainer. Watching his shows since secondary school and even more recently, helped me attain a level of lameness so profound that scholars might one day write a paper on it. He has the ability to think on his feet and tell lame jokes which attracts audiences to his every show. For an example of 冷笑话:

我说一个感人的故事给你听…”给我滚!”. 我再说一个很感人的故事…”快给我滚!”

To the bananas who don’t understand, too bad. Go learn chinese. And those who can read chinese but still don’t get it, congratulations, you are not lame because you still can walk (now THAT’S lame).

Besides that, I would like to thank my friends and the missus on putting up with me all these years. For laughing when getting it, and for faking a laugh when not getting it. But mostly for refraining from punching me in the crotch.


It’s hard to explain this. Read this comic, and read this blog I did while I had too much time on my hands which was a parody of the now locked Cirnelle’s.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 04 Jan 2009 @ 12:17 AM

Categories: Thoughts


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