21 May 2009 @ 3:57 PM 

From the makers of the award-winning Facebook quiz*, comes a brand new one that will blow your mind.  With all new features, such as

  • superb accuracy,
  • guaranteed results,

while keeping all the traditional features of a trusted Facebook quiz intact, such as

  • illogical randomness,
  • useless results,
  • choices which don’t make sense,
  • and Facebook users all-time favourite, flooding other people’s news feed with stuff nobody cares about.

Introducing the “Are you a boy or a girl” Facebook quiz!

This quiz requires no input at all from the quiz taker.  It magically calculates the hormone levels of the user and checks through the user’s Facebook profile to search for information that can be sold to other companies for a profit.

The results are 100% accurate, half of the time!  No other Facebook quiz can provide this level of accuracy consistently!

First listen to what some beta testers have to say.

I am amazed with the accuracy that has been shown by the quiz!  Although it got my gender right the 2nd time, what are the odds? Right?

-Jane

This quiz not only correctly gave me my gender, it even provided me with product ads which I find extremely relevant to my supposed sexuality!

-Caramel

I’ve always thought that I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and after getting the results of the quiz, I am reassured once again that I am a girl.  I can totally use the results printout feature to prove that I am a girl to everyone.  Although the tampons they recommended to me hurt when I used them.

-Betty (formerly Bob)

So act now!  And join in the fun of getting to know your gender and feeling proud publishing it to every single friend you know but doesn’t care.  A perfect last straw that will make your friends “hide” you from their Facebook News Feed page.

Give your comments and share your experience!

Coming soon:  ”Are you currently online?” quiz with 99.9% accuracy.

*Most Famous Non-existent Quiz Which Nobody Knew About Award 2008.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 21 May 2009 @ 03:57 PM

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 11 Feb 2009 @ 5:48 PM 

After the ruckus that is last week where defections in the Perak government topped the headlines of Malaysian news stories, I would like to introduce a new segment called, “Seriously!?”

Seriously!? Najib, you said there were no money involved when they defected?  What do you think  made them defect to you side?  Your charm?  Your combover?  Seriously!? 2 of them are charged with corruption, 1 of them can’t make up his mind and the another wanted a Camry.  Seriously!?  A Camry?  You’d sell your dignity for a Toyota?  If it’s not the millions promised, or the charges dropped, would one commit political suicide with that move?  Seriously!?

And the 2 of you who failed to turn up in court yesterday.  Seriously!?  Medical leave?  Both on the same day when charges are supposed to be heard?  You didn’t look that sick in this picture.

Malaysiakini pix

Malaysiakini pix

Let’s see another one.

Malaysiakini pix

Malaysiakini pix

Here’s another one

Malaysiakini pix

Malaysiakini pix

Did you guys notice something?  Look through them again.

Hee, why so serious?  Camry not enough?  Go try asking for a Merc.  Or better, how about a submarine or two?  But beware of plastic explosives though.  Seriously!?

And finally, Najib, you said you are sensitive to all races by wanting to show up at a Chinese New Year party in Ipoh?  Have you heard yourself talk?  Seriously!?  It’s like Michael Jackson saying he’ll show up at an 8-year-old’s birthday party.  Seriously!?

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 11 Feb 2009 @ 05:48 PM

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 10 Feb 2009 @ 6:06 PM 

While I’m still thinking of writing something on the lines of the next News Roundup, here’s something to laugh about.


Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 10 Feb 2009 @ 06:06 PM

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 02 Feb 2009 @ 8:27 PM 

All systems go for peanut butter testing

Malaysiakini reports that Malaysia is testing all American peanut butter products before allowing them into the country following a salmonella scare recently.  The Health Minister said officials have raised the alert to level five at all ports and are focusing only on peanut butter.  The level five alert means all resources will be dedicated to ensuring peanut butter from the United States are tested before entering the country.

Drug smugglers rejoice while peanut butter addicts have to contend with finger-sized holes in their peanut butter.

Book on ministers’ contributions

Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi recently launched a book titled Malaysian Ministers 1955-2008 by Koperasi Belia Nasional Berhad.  This book depicts in detail the contributions of a total of 117 politicians who served as Cabinet ministers from 1955 to January last year, and many have played an integral role in formulating the country’s policies, realising ideas and dreams, as well as in nation building.

He hopes that the book would serve as guidance to future leaders on how best to serve the people by emulating the contribution and sacrifices made by their predecessors.

This would be a seemingly uphill task, considering the book is also in the running for, “World’s thinnest book ever” title.

The book's spine

The book's spine

Survey: Malaysian employees feel secure of jobs

A recent survey by an unnamed consultant claimed that Malaysian employees feel more secure about their prospects compared to their counterparts in other Asian countries.  The survey was revealed after a wave of jobcuts announced recently which affected more than 80,000 people in the United States alone.

This just in, the consultant was Semuany OK Co. Ltd and the survey was done by the Foundation of Independent Research on Employees’ Desires, or F.I.R.E.D.

Thieves strike Daim’s house, stole shoes

Thieves evaded security guards and guard dogs on Sunday to break into the home of the former Finance Minister’s house and stole 3 pairs of shoes.  The police are apparently taking the case seriously and are in the process of determining the kind of shoes that were stolen.

Rumours are rife that this was yet another crime committed by the group calling themselves, “The Low Self Esteem Bandits”.

Perak defection fiasco

I bet most of you know about the recent drama on defections affecting the Perak state government.  For the minority of you who didn’t know, here’s the gist of it.  “Don’t fucking give a damn!”  Pardon my French.  There are so much more to worry about now then petty squabbles between parties.  Hoi, state assemblymen/women, do your fucking job that you were given.

This is not the time to consider switching allegiances and financing your next mansion.  To that Bota man who switched to PKR, please, return to BN or resign.  It is unfair for the BN voters (however wrong they were).  The people have given you the mandate to work for them under the ideology of BN and you have no right to go to another party without first relinquishing your mandate.

To those 2 who are thinking of going to BN and feigning sickness or whatever, if you were set up into resigning your posts as claimed, just come out and put an end to all this.  If you intend to resign, just go ahead and be done with it.  I’m glad for another round of by-election goodies.  We could do with an economic stimulus package by-election style.

Finally, to all the politicians, if you don’t stop all this nonsense, we won’t just be comparing ourselves to Zimbabwe anymore, we will become Zimbabwe (everyone can then be billionaires).

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 02 Feb 2009 @ 08:27 PM

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 24 Jan 2009 @ 9:33 PM 

It has been a slow week for news after the Kuala Terengganu by-election and also my lack of time, but here it is, the 6th edition of News Roundup.

Second stimulus package for Malaysia

Malaysiakini reports that the government was in discussion with various parties to get their views and input to be incorporated into a second economic stimulus package.  This is to prevent the country from undergoing another recession due to the global financial crisis.  This money will be used to aid failing companies and retrenched workers.

Therefore, in other words, that job you’re holding onto?  You’re paying for it.

Women fall into sex trap several times

A 33-year-old man lied and blackmailed his way into having college women pose nude for him and subsequently have sex with him.  The man is believed to be impersonating as a photographer for a US-based modelling agency, promising international fame to the victims.  He then used the nude photographs to blackmail the women involved into having sex with him in exchange for not publishing the explicit photographs.

It is learnt that at least two women were victims of his ruse several times before finally giving in and reporting to the police.

This goes to show that in Malaysia, it is better to have forced sex with a stranger than to die in police custody.

Salmonella scare at cookie franchise

The Health Ministry said it is investigating the cookie chain Famous Amos after it withdrew their cookie dough from several outlets amid fears that it may be contaminated by the salmonella bacterium.

The cookie company, mostly known for its Free Smells signs at its outlets, will now allow customers to have Free Smells from their cookies at home as well, in their toilets.

PM: We want detainees back

Malaysiakini reports that Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi wants to bring home two Malaysians held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility which US President Barack Obama has ordered shut within a year.  Both the detainees were suspected of being involved in the deadly bombing of the J.W. Marriott hotel in Jakarta in 2003.

This is again in line with the government’s stance that Malaysia prefers to welcome back suspected terrorists but continue to drive “non-Bumis” out of the country they were born in.

Obama’s portrait is digital

US President Barack Obama’s presidential portrait was taken last week and it marks the first ever presidential portrait to be taken with a digital camera.  The portrait in full resolution can be seen here.

A government official was relieved that Obama was elected president because they were afraid McCain might have insisted his portrait to be taken with this.

800px-studijskifotoaparatThat was another installment of News Roundup.  Stop picking your nose.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 24 Jan 2009 @ 09:33 PM

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 18 Jan 2009 @ 10:15 PM 

It’s time for the 5th Edition of News Roundup, where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

Wan Farid: It’s not my money

Malaysiakini reports that the Kuala Terengganu BN candidate Wan Ahmad Farid Wan Salleh denied he had anything to do with the money given away to journalists at the Kuala Terengganu parliamentary by-election media centre recently.  Journalists were puzzled after being given an envelope filled with RM300 at the state information department’s media centre after providing their contact information.

Information minister’s press secretary Hisham Abdul Hamid said the ministry had never directed any of its officers to do such a thing.

“This has never been the practice of the ministry,” he told Bernama.

He later added, “We wouldn’t give money to you without first telling you who to vote for.”

Anwar: Another round of defections (hint hint)

In another Malaysiakini report, PKR de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim again raised the possibility of Barisan Nasional MPs defecting to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition.  After the much publicised takeover plan of Sept 16, 2008 failed to materialize, he was again unwilling to comment after being pressed for details.

This just in, there is now a fixed date.  It’s Feb 30, 200-imaginary.

Pak Lah: “Buy-lah Malaysian”

The Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said yesterday the people should cast aside any prejudice against Malaysian-made products, reports NST.  He added that the local producers require the support of consumers as well and urged the people to give local products a go.

He was later found to be a fervent supporter of the recently announced Malaysian soft-drink, Coca-CoLah Kosong.

Also known as Coke kurang manis

Also known as Coke kurang manis

Looking for ways to make EPF savings last a lifetime

The Human Resources Ministry is looking for ways to ensure that employees from the private sector will have their Employees Provident Fund (EPF) savings last a lifetime.  This was due to reports of EPF contributors using up all their savings within 2 years after retirement and were left without a source of income.

In an unrelated development, the ministry will be tabling a new law to sentence anyone found to be above the age of 60, to death.

By-election side note

So another typical by-election in Malaysia has come and gone.  Pretty good showing from both sides with typical controversies, mud-slinging and smear campaigns.  It was a great by-election for the Kuala Terengganu people, not so great for half of them, but still great all-around.  Personally, it was quite fun trying out writing political satire and the best material always comes from elections.  So keep ‘em dying, and I’ll keep on writing.

Remember that politicians are like dirty diapers, you have to keep changing them.  See you in the next edition of News Roundup.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 18 Jan 2009 @ 10:15 PM

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 14 Jan 2009 @ 10:37 PM 

This is the News Roundup (IV), bringing you Malaysian news and more.

The recession?  It’s just technical

Only technically (kcbs.com pix)

Only technically (kcbs.com pix)

Malaysiakini reports that Citigroup Global Market has downgraded Malaysia’s GDP forecast for 2009 to 0.5% from 3.1% earlier.  This was due to 2 consecutive quarters of negative economic growth which defines the term technical recession.  This was contrary to the rosy outlook painted by the 2nd Finance Minister that the government was confident that the country would not slip into a technical recession this year.

So stop worrying folks, that pot of gold and the unicorns in your backyard?  They’re still technically there.

Abdul Wahid’s Chinese New Year Wish for the country

In another Malaysiakini report, PAS’ candidate in the Kuala Terengganu by-election, Abdul Wahid Endut’s campaign took a festive twist yesterday when he presented the Chinese community in Kampung Cina with calligraphy bearing a Chinese New Year message.  He displayed his calligraphy skills by writing chinese characters meaning ‘fairness’ and ‘justice’.

Little did he knew, that the characters actually meant this
chinese

New baggage policy by AirAsia

The country’s low cost carrier AirAsia has implemented a new check-in baggage policy, dubbed Supersize, reports Bernama.  Passengers can now choose from 3 tiers of check-in baggage prices, Supersize Regular, Supersize Medium and Supersize Large depending on their baggage weight.

It is rumoured that AirAsia will introduce other fun policies such as the Happy Fly Fly Meal, where you get a free Prozac or a joint after every meal or the Triple Whammy Package, whereby you get another free ticket to a destination of choice if your flight was delayed, your baggage lost and you got punched personally by the pilot during your flight (which I have heard is a good deal because it happens most of the time).

Subang Jaya girl is top O-Levels student

The Star reports that a girl from Subang Jaya, Malaysia, is Singapore’s top O-Level Student.  Haw Sue Hern, from CHIJ St Nicholas Girls’ School, scored 10 A1s after the results were released on Monday.

She attributed her success to consistent hard work and the fortune of being not hot.

Another one.

She attributed her success to consistent hard work and the fortune of simply being Asian.

Want more?

She attributed her success to consistent hard work and the fortune of looking like this

Haw Sue Hern

Haw Sue Hern

Obama to give up his Blackberry

Obama's gadgets

Obama's gadgets

President-elect Obama will have his Blackberry device pried from his hands when he starts his tenure as president soon.  This is due to the strict NSA requirement that communication devices have to be secure due to the sensitive information being handled by the president.  2 of such NSA approved devices are the General Dynamics’ Sectera Edge and L-3 Communications’ Guardian.

The features include the ability to travel back in time to the 90′s , bullet-stopping capabilities and the ability to make the user’s hands look small.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 14 Jan 2009 @ 10:37 PM

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 11 Jan 2009 @ 9:14 PM 

This is the News Roundup (III),  where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

Dr. M: Quit your jobs

No Mcdonald's (devonwoodestates.org pix)

No Mcdonald's (devonwoodestates.org pix)

In a Malaysiakini report, ex-prime minister, Dr. Mahathir said Malaysians “will not die if they do not use the US goods” and urged those working for US companies such as fast-food giant McDonald’s and Starbucks to quit their jobs.

However, he conveniently forgot to mention the human’s tendency to die when left without money to buy food.

Landslide in Sandakan, 434 dead

In the wake of the Bukit Antarabangsa tragedy, another landslide occured in Sandakan yesterday, reported Bernama.  Only this time, it hit a cemetery.  The affected cemetery is the Kampung Sim-Sim Muslim cemetery and the Public Works Department is trying to identify the cause of the landslide which damaged 434 graves.

Comparing this incident with the Bukit Antarabangsa landslide, a spokesman for the Works Department said, “At least that time, there were actually survivors.”

Inspiring slogans in by-election

BN billboard (Malaysiakini.com pix)

BN billboard (Malaysiakini.com pix)

In another Malaysiakini report, the by-election in Kuala Terengganu has escalated into a war of quotes.  The BN campaign went all out in peppering the constituent with posters and billboards borrowing quotes from US presidential campaigns.  Most specifically from the Lincoln administration’s motto, “Of the people, by the people, for the people” and the recent Obama’s campaign, “One wish, one Malaysia, Yes we can”.

The campaign team however left out quotes from the Bush administration, such as, “I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.” or one for Najib by the Clinton administration, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Irony caught up with pirates

(maj1970 pix from Webshots.com)

(maj1970 pix from Webshots.com)

The AFP reports that six Somalian pirates drowned while getting away with a boat loaded with ransom money off the East African coast.  The pirates were believed to be involved in the attack and kidnapping of a Sirius Star ship.

This will serve as a reminder to everyone, that if you plan to swashbuckle your way into a life of pillaging and rum on the high seas… it would be a good idea to first learn to SWIM.

China: Rail technology not stolen

The Associated Press reports that China denied exporting rail technology that was stolen from the West.  The China’s Railway Ministry spokesman, Wang Yongping defended the industry and stated that the technologies used were homegrown.

We tried to push for more details but apparently his Orange iPhony battery died.

That was yet again another edition of News Roundup.  Have a great week!

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 12 Jan 2009 @ 01:39 PM

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 08 Jan 2009 @ 9:07 PM 

This is the News Roundup (II), where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

Gaza: Malaysia gives ultimatum

The Star Online reports that Malaysia has given the United Nations Security Council a one-day “deadline” to come up with a resolution on Israel’s aggression against Palestine, or else.

When asked the question, “Or else what?”, Malaysia simply responded, “or else we don’t friend you.”

Election goodies announced

The Malaysian Insider reports that the Terengganu government will provide a RM1 million fund for bus companies operating in the state to buy new vehicles to facilitate more comfortable public transportation.  The Menteri Besar, Datuk Ahmad Said announced the good news in front of 2,500 imams and bilals from 483 Terengganu mosques who attended the event.  They were also promised an allowance of RM650 monthly by the state.

Imams from other states responded swiftly by changing this Friday’s sermon to, “Let’s all pray our elected MP dies so that we can get goodies too.”

Chinese votes crucial

Malaysiakini reports in an article about Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah’s visit to Kuala Terengganu that the Chinese in Kuala Terengganu may decide the outcome of the by-election currently being held there.  The 8,000+ Chinese voters are said to be the “kingmakers” in this contest and a lot of resources are being spent to canvass for their votes.

The report however failed to state the importance of the votes from other races in Malaysia such as the orcs, elves and the dwarves.

The lain-lain races of Malaysia

The lain-lain races of Malaysia

Don’t buy US goods

NST online reports that a campaign to boycott American made products has been launched today by the Malaysian Muslim Consumers Association, along with Muslim restaurateurs and several Muslim non-governmental organisations.  MMCA secretary general Datuk Dr Ma’amor Osman urged Malaysians, including non-Muslims, to support the campaign by renouncing brands such as Coca-Cola, McDonalds and Nike.

He added that Malaysians should instead turn to other local alternatives such as

Coca CoLah

Malaysian soft drink, Coca-Colah

Malaysian soft drink, Coca-CoLah

McDollah’s

Malaysian fast food, McDollah's

Malaysian fast food, McDollah's

and the famous local sports brand,

Buatan Malaysia

Malaysian sports brand, Buatan Malaysia

Malaysian sports brand, Buatan Malaysia

with its tag-line, Boleh sahaja!

Fortune tellers nabbed

Two fortune tellers from China were caught by Kota Kinabalu police after being found connected to 13 cheating cases in Sabah involving nearly RM145,000 in cash and jewelry.

In a statement after the arrest, they claimed that they knew 2 days before the police were coming after them, just that they decided not to believe themselves.

Internet links restored

Internet restored

Internet restored

Bernama reports that Telekom Malaysia has restored all internet links between Malaysia and Europe to 100% capacity on Monday.

A spokesperson from Telekom Malaysia said, that the outage was due to the death of 2 hamsters powering the TMNet servers.

Michael Jackson to need a new lung

The Gloved One

The Gloved One

Defamer.com reports that pop star Michel Jackson might be needing a lung transplant due to a rare genetic disease which causes the said organ to fail.

While shopping for a new lung, Michael was also spotted to be looking for new gloves, a new nose and a right ear.  Fabulous hair, though.

That’s it for the 2nd News Roundup, until next time, have a great week.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 17 Jan 2009 @ 06:29 PM

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 06 Jan 2009 @ 6:19 PM 

Welcome to the first installment of the News Roundup.   This is where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

We want our highways back

Unclassified highway contracts

Unclassified highway contracts

Malaysiakini reports that DAP members is of the opinion that the government should, “buy over highways and save taxpayers’ money”, after reading through the recently declassified agreements of the highway concessionaires.

Segambut MP, Lim Lip Eng said, that the agreements only favour the highway concessionaires.  He cited that even if there is a breach of contract in favour of the government, the highway concessionaires will receive compensation from the government.

Hearing this, the highway concessionaires said, “Oh really?  OK, you can have them back, now where’s our money?”

Kuala Terengganu by-election

Azharudin Mamat (Malaysiakini.com pix)

Azharudin Mamat (Malaysiakini.com pix)

The Kuala Terengganu parliament seat recently left vacant will see a 3 way fight between the BN, PAS and an independent candidate, Azharudin Mamat @ Adam.  While his chances of winning the election are slim, he is confident that can win because he wants to “help the poor” and will use his MP allowance to “help those people regardless of race or party”.

Yes, Adam (can I call you Adam?).  The people are shallow enough to vote for you so that instead of bringing issues to parliament, you will just return their money.

Samy Vellu is at it again

Samy Vellu

Samy Vellu (Malaysiakini.com pix)

MIC leader, Samy Vellu is in the middle of another scandal which has hit his party recently.  This time it involves the awarding of contracts for maintenance by its party-run AIMST University.  The allegations are targeted at the party’s education arm, Maju Institute for Education Development (MIED).

Sources point out that Samy Vellu has revoked several contracts and reassigned them to people that are close to him.

When asked to comment on these allegations, Samy Vellu has this to say: “It is unfortunate that this happened and I stress that it is an act of God.  Only this time I am God.”

“No Tsunami,” say scientists

Mingguan Malaysia reported that a baby whale shark caught dead in a fishing net is not the sign of an impending tsunami.  Universiti Sains Malaysia’s marine biologist Dr Aileen Tan Shau-Hwai told the daily the whale shark, found dead in the waters of Kendi Island, could have rammed into a big boat while migrating to a new destination.

She added that she came to this conclusion using the scientific method called… Guessing.

Invest wisely

In these tough economic times, Choong Khuat Hock, director of fund management company Kumpulan Sentiasa Cemerlang, urges the people to diversify their investments.  The report recommended other forms of investments such as gold, antiques and even tea.

Thank you for letting us know of even more ways to lose our money.

Mind games

Mind Flex toy from Mattel

Mind Flex toy from Mattel

The Telegraph reports that toy-maker, Mattel will be releasing the Mind-Flex, a toy where children could use their mind power to move balls through hoops.

Good news for white kids around the world who can now play basketball, while sitting on the bench.  Wait, they’re already doing that?

That’s all for the first edition of News Roundup!  Have a great week!

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 13 Jan 2009 @ 12:59 AM

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