15 Jan 2010 @ 8:45 AM 

@1:29 So Muslim is a race now? Muslims of other race also cannot use Allah?

@1:58 “Tuhan or All… God”, then right after that, “Not Allah is God, never.” So Allah is not God. Okkayyy.

Pity the Mr. K.F. Morat, brought his UPSR karangan and wanted to read but always got interrupted. Hope he knows that he lari tajuk and salah isi. I think what he wanted to say is that Malaysian Islam is new, not the one that “real” Muslims have been practising for centuries.

@9:15 I think he couldn’t find his isi. Tip: Write your own karangan if you want to go on live TV. Use tabs and cross-references if karangan is multi-page. Use a binder. Wear white shirt, and look in camera.

@18:28 If a Muslim is to read the word Allah and be confused because he read it in a bible or from a newspaper called “The Catholic Weekly”, or if he heard it while he is sitting in a church, I think he has bigger problems. Maybe he needs to learn to read first or start to learn how to ask for directions.

I feel that the government should not interfere in the appeal, they should show impartiality by being the mediator and provide a peaceful session for both sides to publicly voice their opinion on national TV. But then again, it’s the Malaysian Government we’re talking about, which were voted by the Malaysian people. So shame on us too.

I wonder why religions are against apostasy or people leaving the “herd”, if you know what I mean. Someone of the faith, please enlighten me on this. I, for one, am for religious scriptures to be written in plain language. Stop all those cryptic writings and explanations. This will cut off the middlemen (scholars, priests, imams and rabbis might be out of work, but then again, isn’t it their duty to ensure that the teachings are correctly interpreted? Achievement unlocked then?) and allow the followers direct access to His teachings. If it’s in the form of Youtube videos with lolcats even better. Now that is sure to reduce apostasy.

Furthermore, I also don’t understand why religions (or is it just the religious leaders) are blaming other religions of trying to convert their followers. If you are doing such a good job, who else can influence your followers to another faith? Think about it. I think it’s the insecure religion (or religious leaders) itself (or themselves) which must reflect on their internal factors of the religion (or teachings) regarding the diminishing of faith. After all, if one’s belief of one’s religion is strong, nothing can shake it.

I am strongly of the opinion that religion only exists in this world because people are weak and need guidance. If a person is of a strong mind, there will be no need for religion. Therefore, I think religion can only be strong, as long as man is weak. Which is exactly what all religions are preaching (almost all, I don’t want to make generalizations of religions I don’t know of). Mind-blowing huh?

To know that there is a greater power than oneself, is submission;

To embrace and understand that the greater power is within oneself, is enlightenment.

- Kelvin Lew, 15 Jan 2010

Are Malay-Muslims in Malaysia sensitive beings? Discuss.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 14 Jan 2010 @ 09:35 PM

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Categories: Life, Politics, Thoughts
 07 Jan 2010 @ 10:44 PM 

Islam is a beautiful religion, and so are others, but why is it now that we only see Muslims resorting to violence?  Are they being cornered by the other religions?  Is it so hard to be a good Muslim?  Are these so-called defenders of the religion really defending their religion?  Are their rights to profess their religion under attack?

Malaysian church fire-bombed ahead of Muslim protests

AFP – 7 Jan 2010

KUALA LUMPUR — A Christian church in Malaysia has been set ablaze in a fire-bomb attack, church officials said Friday, amid a dispute over the use of the word “Allah” by a Catholic newspaper.

The three-storey Metro Tabernacle church in suburban Kuala Lumpur was partly destroyed in the attack which took place around midnight, said church leader Peter Yeow, 62.

“Witnesses saw four people smash the glass and throw incendiaries into the church building. They came on two motorcycles,” he told AFP at the scene as firefighters investigated the blaze.

There were no casualties in the attack on the church, which occupies the corner lot of a row of shop houses and which Yeow said draws some 1,500 people weekly.

“The fire destroyed the administrative part of the church. We do not know if the prayer hall on the third floor suffered any damage,” he said, warning all other churches to “double their guard” against any attacks.

Muslim groups have vowed to stage nationwide protests Friday over a court ruling last week that allowed a Catholic newspaper to use the word “Allah,” which the government says should be used only by Muslims.

The High Court suspended the ruling on Wednesday, after the government argued the decision could cause racial conflict.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 07 Jan 2010 @ 10:44 PM

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Categories: Politics, Thoughts
 28 May 2009 @ 7:28 PM 

It’s election fever everywhere!  Like an epidemic.  Malaysia is busy with by-elections at Penanti and Manek Urai, while here in Ulm there are local elections going on.  Then in September, Germany will have its general elections amidst a recession.  Good luck to all candidates!

However, if this one candidate manage to win, I’m gonna have to go buy the next day’s papers just for the headline.

I can winz elekshuns!

I can winz elekshuns!

Local Loser Wins!

Ahh… I just love elections.  In fact, I’m having one light now.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 28 May 2009 @ 07:28 PM

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Categories: Politics
 07 May 2009 @ 3:45 PM 

First and foremost, for context please read Malaysiakini report.

Remember the day, the 7th of May,
BN’s unjust takeover plot,
I know of no reason,
Why this blatant treason,
Should ever be forgot.

- Kelvin Lew, 7th May 2009.  Modified from Guy Fawkes Night.

Put down everything you are doing, and go to the nearest post office to register as a voter.  Stop the excuses!

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 08 May 2009 @ 03:54 PM

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Categories: Politics
 11 Feb 2009 @ 5:48 PM 

After the ruckus that is last week where defections in the Perak government topped the headlines of Malaysian news stories, I would like to introduce a new segment called, “Seriously!?”

Seriously!? Najib, you said there were no money involved when they defected?  What do you think  made them defect to you side?  Your charm?  Your combover?  Seriously!? 2 of them are charged with corruption, 1 of them can’t make up his mind and the another wanted a Camry.  Seriously!?  A Camry?  You’d sell your dignity for a Toyota?  If it’s not the millions promised, or the charges dropped, would one commit political suicide with that move?  Seriously!?

And the 2 of you who failed to turn up in court yesterday.  Seriously!?  Medical leave?  Both on the same day when charges are supposed to be heard?  You didn’t look that sick in this picture.

Malaysiakini pix

Malaysiakini pix

Let’s see another one.

Malaysiakini pix

Malaysiakini pix

Here’s another one

Malaysiakini pix

Malaysiakini pix

Did you guys notice something?  Look through them again.

Hee, why so serious?  Camry not enough?  Go try asking for a Merc.  Or better, how about a submarine or two?  But beware of plastic explosives though.  Seriously!?

And finally, Najib, you said you are sensitive to all races by wanting to show up at a Chinese New Year party in Ipoh?  Have you heard yourself talk?  Seriously!?  It’s like Michael Jackson saying he’ll show up at an 8-year-old’s birthday party.  Seriously!?

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 11 Feb 2009 @ 05:48 PM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 02 Feb 2009 @ 8:27 PM 

All systems go for peanut butter testing

Malaysiakini reports that Malaysia is testing all American peanut butter products before allowing them into the country following a salmonella scare recently.  The Health Minister said officials have raised the alert to level five at all ports and are focusing only on peanut butter.  The level five alert means all resources will be dedicated to ensuring peanut butter from the United States are tested before entering the country.

Drug smugglers rejoice while peanut butter addicts have to contend with finger-sized holes in their peanut butter.

Book on ministers’ contributions

Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi recently launched a book titled Malaysian Ministers 1955-2008 by Koperasi Belia Nasional Berhad.  This book depicts in detail the contributions of a total of 117 politicians who served as Cabinet ministers from 1955 to January last year, and many have played an integral role in formulating the country’s policies, realising ideas and dreams, as well as in nation building.

He hopes that the book would serve as guidance to future leaders on how best to serve the people by emulating the contribution and sacrifices made by their predecessors.

This would be a seemingly uphill task, considering the book is also in the running for, “World’s thinnest book ever” title.

The book's spine

The book's spine

Survey: Malaysian employees feel secure of jobs

A recent survey by an unnamed consultant claimed that Malaysian employees feel more secure about their prospects compared to their counterparts in other Asian countries.  The survey was revealed after a wave of jobcuts announced recently which affected more than 80,000 people in the United States alone.

This just in, the consultant was Semuany OK Co. Ltd and the survey was done by the Foundation of Independent Research on Employees’ Desires, or F.I.R.E.D.

Thieves strike Daim’s house, stole shoes

Thieves evaded security guards and guard dogs on Sunday to break into the home of the former Finance Minister’s house and stole 3 pairs of shoes.  The police are apparently taking the case seriously and are in the process of determining the kind of shoes that were stolen.

Rumours are rife that this was yet another crime committed by the group calling themselves, “The Low Self Esteem Bandits”.

Perak defection fiasco

I bet most of you know about the recent drama on defections affecting the Perak state government.  For the minority of you who didn’t know, here’s the gist of it.  “Don’t fucking give a damn!”  Pardon my French.  There are so much more to worry about now then petty squabbles between parties.  Hoi, state assemblymen/women, do your fucking job that you were given.

This is not the time to consider switching allegiances and financing your next mansion.  To that Bota man who switched to PKR, please, return to BN or resign.  It is unfair for the BN voters (however wrong they were).  The people have given you the mandate to work for them under the ideology of BN and you have no right to go to another party without first relinquishing your mandate.

To those 2 who are thinking of going to BN and feigning sickness or whatever, if you were set up into resigning your posts as claimed, just come out and put an end to all this.  If you intend to resign, just go ahead and be done with it.  I’m glad for another round of by-election goodies.  We could do with an economic stimulus package by-election style.

Finally, to all the politicians, if you don’t stop all this nonsense, we won’t just be comparing ourselves to Zimbabwe anymore, we will become Zimbabwe (everyone can then be billionaires).

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 02 Feb 2009 @ 08:27 PM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 24 Jan 2009 @ 9:33 PM 

It has been a slow week for news after the Kuala Terengganu by-election and also my lack of time, but here it is, the 6th edition of News Roundup.

Second stimulus package for Malaysia

Malaysiakini reports that the government was in discussion with various parties to get their views and input to be incorporated into a second economic stimulus package.  This is to prevent the country from undergoing another recession due to the global financial crisis.  This money will be used to aid failing companies and retrenched workers.

Therefore, in other words, that job you’re holding onto?  You’re paying for it.

Women fall into sex trap several times

A 33-year-old man lied and blackmailed his way into having college women pose nude for him and subsequently have sex with him.  The man is believed to be impersonating as a photographer for a US-based modelling agency, promising international fame to the victims.  He then used the nude photographs to blackmail the women involved into having sex with him in exchange for not publishing the explicit photographs.

It is learnt that at least two women were victims of his ruse several times before finally giving in and reporting to the police.

This goes to show that in Malaysia, it is better to have forced sex with a stranger than to die in police custody.

Salmonella scare at cookie franchise

The Health Ministry said it is investigating the cookie chain Famous Amos after it withdrew their cookie dough from several outlets amid fears that it may be contaminated by the salmonella bacterium.

The cookie company, mostly known for its Free Smells signs at its outlets, will now allow customers to have Free Smells from their cookies at home as well, in their toilets.

PM: We want detainees back

Malaysiakini reports that Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi wants to bring home two Malaysians held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility which US President Barack Obama has ordered shut within a year.  Both the detainees were suspected of being involved in the deadly bombing of the J.W. Marriott hotel in Jakarta in 2003.

This is again in line with the government’s stance that Malaysia prefers to welcome back suspected terrorists but continue to drive “non-Bumis” out of the country they were born in.

Obama’s portrait is digital

US President Barack Obama’s presidential portrait was taken last week and it marks the first ever presidential portrait to be taken with a digital camera.  The portrait in full resolution can be seen here.

A government official was relieved that Obama was elected president because they were afraid McCain might have insisted his portrait to be taken with this.

800px-studijskifotoaparatThat was another installment of News Roundup.  Stop picking your nose.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 24 Jan 2009 @ 09:33 PM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 18 Jan 2009 @ 10:15 PM 

It’s time for the 5th Edition of News Roundup, where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

Wan Farid: It’s not my money

Malaysiakini reports that the Kuala Terengganu BN candidate Wan Ahmad Farid Wan Salleh denied he had anything to do with the money given away to journalists at the Kuala Terengganu parliamentary by-election media centre recently.  Journalists were puzzled after being given an envelope filled with RM300 at the state information department’s media centre after providing their contact information.

Information minister’s press secretary Hisham Abdul Hamid said the ministry had never directed any of its officers to do such a thing.

“This has never been the practice of the ministry,” he told Bernama.

He later added, “We wouldn’t give money to you without first telling you who to vote for.”

Anwar: Another round of defections (hint hint)

In another Malaysiakini report, PKR de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim again raised the possibility of Barisan Nasional MPs defecting to the Pakatan Rakyat coalition.  After the much publicised takeover plan of Sept 16, 2008 failed to materialize, he was again unwilling to comment after being pressed for details.

This just in, there is now a fixed date.  It’s Feb 30, 200-imaginary.

Pak Lah: “Buy-lah Malaysian”

The Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said yesterday the people should cast aside any prejudice against Malaysian-made products, reports NST.  He added that the local producers require the support of consumers as well and urged the people to give local products a go.

He was later found to be a fervent supporter of the recently announced Malaysian soft-drink, Coca-CoLah Kosong.

Also known as Coke kurang manis

Also known as Coke kurang manis

Looking for ways to make EPF savings last a lifetime

The Human Resources Ministry is looking for ways to ensure that employees from the private sector will have their Employees Provident Fund (EPF) savings last a lifetime.  This was due to reports of EPF contributors using up all their savings within 2 years after retirement and were left without a source of income.

In an unrelated development, the ministry will be tabling a new law to sentence anyone found to be above the age of 60, to death.

By-election side note

So another typical by-election in Malaysia has come and gone.  Pretty good showing from both sides with typical controversies, mud-slinging and smear campaigns.  It was a great by-election for the Kuala Terengganu people, not so great for half of them, but still great all-around.  Personally, it was quite fun trying out writing political satire and the best material always comes from elections.  So keep ‘em dying, and I’ll keep on writing.

Remember that politicians are like dirty diapers, you have to keep changing them.  See you in the next edition of News Roundup.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 18 Jan 2009 @ 10:15 PM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 14 Jan 2009 @ 10:37 PM 

This is the News Roundup (IV), bringing you Malaysian news and more.

The recession?  It’s just technical

Only technically (kcbs.com pix)

Only technically (kcbs.com pix)

Malaysiakini reports that Citigroup Global Market has downgraded Malaysia’s GDP forecast for 2009 to 0.5% from 3.1% earlier.  This was due to 2 consecutive quarters of negative economic growth which defines the term technical recession.  This was contrary to the rosy outlook painted by the 2nd Finance Minister that the government was confident that the country would not slip into a technical recession this year.

So stop worrying folks, that pot of gold and the unicorns in your backyard?  They’re still technically there.

Abdul Wahid’s Chinese New Year Wish for the country

In another Malaysiakini report, PAS’ candidate in the Kuala Terengganu by-election, Abdul Wahid Endut’s campaign took a festive twist yesterday when he presented the Chinese community in Kampung Cina with calligraphy bearing a Chinese New Year message.  He displayed his calligraphy skills by writing chinese characters meaning ‘fairness’ and ‘justice’.

Little did he knew, that the characters actually meant this

New baggage policy by AirAsia

The country’s low cost carrier AirAsia has implemented a new check-in baggage policy, dubbed Supersize, reports Bernama.  Passengers can now choose from 3 tiers of check-in baggage prices, Supersize Regular, Supersize Medium and Supersize Large depending on their baggage weight.

It is rumoured that AirAsia will introduce other fun policies such as the Happy Fly Fly Meal, where you get a free Prozac or a joint after every meal or the Triple Whammy Package, whereby you get another free ticket to a destination of choice if your flight was delayed, your baggage lost and you got punched personally by the pilot during your flight (which I have heard is a good deal because it happens most of the time).

Subang Jaya girl is top O-Levels student

The Star reports that a girl from Subang Jaya, Malaysia, is Singapore’s top O-Level Student.  Haw Sue Hern, from CHIJ St Nicholas Girls’ School, scored 10 A1s after the results were released on Monday.

She attributed her success to consistent hard work and the fortune of being not hot.

Another one.

She attributed her success to consistent hard work and the fortune of simply being Asian.

Want more?

She attributed her success to consistent hard work and the fortune of looking like this

Haw Sue Hern

Haw Sue Hern

Obama to give up his Blackberry

Obama's gadgets

Obama's gadgets

President-elect Obama will have his Blackberry device pried from his hands when he starts his tenure as president soon.  This is due to the strict NSA requirement that communication devices have to be secure due to the sensitive information being handled by the president.  2 of such NSA approved devices are the General Dynamics’ Sectera Edge and L-3 Communications’ Guardian.

The features include the ability to travel back in time to the 90′s , bullet-stopping capabilities and the ability to make the user’s hands look small.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 14 Jan 2009 @ 10:37 PM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 11 Jan 2009 @ 9:14 PM 

This is the News Roundup (III),  where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

Dr. M: Quit your jobs

No Mcdonald's (devonwoodestates.org pix)

No Mcdonald's (devonwoodestates.org pix)

In a Malaysiakini report, ex-prime minister, Dr. Mahathir said Malaysians “will not die if they do not use the US goods” and urged those working for US companies such as fast-food giant McDonald’s and Starbucks to quit their jobs.

However, he conveniently forgot to mention the human’s tendency to die when left without money to buy food.

Landslide in Sandakan, 434 dead

In the wake of the Bukit Antarabangsa tragedy, another landslide occured in Sandakan yesterday, reported Bernama.  Only this time, it hit a cemetery.  The affected cemetery is the Kampung Sim-Sim Muslim cemetery and the Public Works Department is trying to identify the cause of the landslide which damaged 434 graves.

Comparing this incident with the Bukit Antarabangsa landslide, a spokesman for the Works Department said, “At least that time, there were actually survivors.”

Inspiring slogans in by-election

BN billboard (Malaysiakini.com pix)

BN billboard (Malaysiakini.com pix)

In another Malaysiakini report, the by-election in Kuala Terengganu has escalated into a war of quotes.  The BN campaign went all out in peppering the constituent with posters and billboards borrowing quotes from US presidential campaigns.  Most specifically from the Lincoln administration’s motto, “Of the people, by the people, for the people” and the recent Obama’s campaign, “One wish, one Malaysia, Yes we can”.

The campaign team however left out quotes from the Bush administration, such as, “I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.” or one for Najib by the Clinton administration, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Irony caught up with pirates

(maj1970 pix from Webshots.com)

(maj1970 pix from Webshots.com)

The AFP reports that six Somalian pirates drowned while getting away with a boat loaded with ransom money off the East African coast.  The pirates were believed to be involved in the attack and kidnapping of a Sirius Star ship.

This will serve as a reminder to everyone, that if you plan to swashbuckle your way into a life of pillaging and rum on the high seas… it would be a good idea to first learn to SWIM.

China: Rail technology not stolen

The Associated Press reports that China denied exporting rail technology that was stolen from the West.  The China’s Railway Ministry spokesman, Wang Yongping defended the industry and stated that the technologies used were homegrown.

We tried to push for more details but apparently his Orange iPhony battery died.

That was yet again another edition of News Roundup.  Have a great week!

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 12 Jan 2009 @ 01:39 PM

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