08 Jan 2009 @ 9:07 PM 

This is the News Roundup (II), where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

Gaza: Malaysia gives ultimatum

The Star Online reports that Malaysia has given the United Nations Security Council a one-day “deadline” to come up with a resolution on Israel’s aggression against Palestine, or else.

When asked the question, “Or else what?”, Malaysia simply responded, “or else we don’t friend you.”

Election goodies announced

The Malaysian Insider reports that the Terengganu government will provide a RM1 million fund for bus companies operating in the state to buy new vehicles to facilitate more comfortable public transportation.  The Menteri Besar, Datuk Ahmad Said announced the good news in front of 2,500 imams and bilals from 483 Terengganu mosques who attended the event.  They were also promised an allowance of RM650 monthly by the state.

Imams from other states responded swiftly by changing this Friday’s sermon to, “Let’s all pray our elected MP dies so that we can get goodies too.”

Chinese votes crucial

Malaysiakini reports in an article about Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah’s visit to Kuala Terengganu that the Chinese in Kuala Terengganu may decide the outcome of the by-election currently being held there.  The 8,000+ Chinese voters are said to be the “kingmakers” in this contest and a lot of resources are being spent to canvass for their votes.

The report however failed to state the importance of the votes from other races in Malaysia such as the orcs, elves and the dwarves.

The lain-lain races of Malaysia

The lain-lain races of Malaysia

Don’t buy US goods

NST online reports that a campaign to boycott American made products has been launched today by the Malaysian Muslim Consumers Association, along with Muslim restaurateurs and several Muslim non-governmental organisations.  MMCA secretary general Datuk Dr Ma’amor Osman urged Malaysians, including non-Muslims, to support the campaign by renouncing brands such as Coca-Cola, McDonalds and Nike.

He added that Malaysians should instead turn to other local alternatives such as

Coca CoLah

Malaysian soft drink, Coca-Colah

Malaysian soft drink, Coca-CoLah


Malaysian fast food, McDollah's

Malaysian fast food, McDollah's

and the famous local sports brand,

Buatan Malaysia

Malaysian sports brand, Buatan Malaysia

Malaysian sports brand, Buatan Malaysia

with its tag-line, Boleh sahaja!

Fortune tellers nabbed

Two fortune tellers from China were caught by Kota Kinabalu police after being found connected to 13 cheating cases in Sabah involving nearly RM145,000 in cash and jewelry.

In a statement after the arrest, they claimed that they knew 2 days before the police were coming after them, just that they decided not to believe themselves.

Internet links restored

Internet restored

Internet restored

Bernama reports that Telekom Malaysia has restored all internet links between Malaysia and Europe to 100% capacity on Monday.

A spokesperson from Telekom Malaysia said, that the outage was due to the death of 2 hamsters powering the TMNet servers.

Michael Jackson to need a new lung

The Gloved One

The Gloved One

Defamer.com reports that pop star Michel Jackson might be needing a lung transplant due to a rare genetic disease which causes the said organ to fail.

While shopping for a new lung, Michael was also spotted to be looking for new gloves, a new nose and a right ear.  Fabulous hair, though.

That’s it for the 2nd News Roundup, until next time, have a great week.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 17 Jan 2009 @ 06:29 PM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 06 Jan 2009 @ 6:19 PM 

Welcome to the first installment of the News Roundup.   This is where I report the happenings in Malaysia and around the world while having my tongue firmly in cheek.

We want our highways back

Unclassified highway contracts

Unclassified highway contracts

Malaysiakini reports that DAP members is of the opinion that the government should, “buy over highways and save taxpayers’ money”, after reading through the recently declassified agreements of the highway concessionaires.

Segambut MP, Lim Lip Eng said, that the agreements only favour the highway concessionaires.  He cited that even if there is a breach of contract in favour of the government, the highway concessionaires will receive compensation from the government.

Hearing this, the highway concessionaires said, “Oh really?  OK, you can have them back, now where’s our money?”

Kuala Terengganu by-election

Azharudin Mamat (Malaysiakini.com pix)

Azharudin Mamat (Malaysiakini.com pix)

The Kuala Terengganu parliament seat recently left vacant will see a 3 way fight between the BN, PAS and an independent candidate, Azharudin Mamat @ Adam.  While his chances of winning the election are slim, he is confident that can win because he wants to “help the poor” and will use his MP allowance to “help those people regardless of race or party”.

Yes, Adam (can I call you Adam?).  The people are shallow enough to vote for you so that instead of bringing issues to parliament, you will just return their money.

Samy Vellu is at it again

Samy Vellu

Samy Vellu (Malaysiakini.com pix)

MIC leader, Samy Vellu is in the middle of another scandal which has hit his party recently.  This time it involves the awarding of contracts for maintenance by its party-run AIMST University.  The allegations are targeted at the party’s education arm, Maju Institute for Education Development (MIED).

Sources point out that Samy Vellu has revoked several contracts and reassigned them to people that are close to him.

When asked to comment on these allegations, Samy Vellu has this to say: “It is unfortunate that this happened and I stress that it is an act of God.  Only this time I am God.”

“No Tsunami,” say scientists

Mingguan Malaysia reported that a baby whale shark caught dead in a fishing net is not the sign of an impending tsunami.  Universiti Sains Malaysia’s marine biologist Dr Aileen Tan Shau-Hwai told the daily the whale shark, found dead in the waters of Kendi Island, could have rammed into a big boat while migrating to a new destination.

She added that she came to this conclusion using the scientific method called… Guessing.

Invest wisely

In these tough economic times, Choong Khuat Hock, director of fund management company Kumpulan Sentiasa Cemerlang, urges the people to diversify their investments.  The report recommended other forms of investments such as gold, antiques and even tea.

Thank you for letting us know of even more ways to lose our money.

Mind games

Mind Flex toy from Mattel

Mind Flex toy from Mattel

The Telegraph reports that toy-maker, Mattel will be releasing the Mind-Flex, a toy where children could use their mind power to move balls through hoops.

Good news for white kids around the world who can now play basketball, while sitting on the bench.  Wait, they’re already doing that?

That’s all for the first edition of News Roundup!  Have a great week!

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 13 Jan 2009 @ 12:59 AM

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Categories: Jokes, Politics
 26 Apr 2007 @ 10:32 AM 

Spinning the GasingAaaaahhhh… politics, it’s like a beggar’s bowl, dirty and yet everyone has their 2 cents to put in it. I came across this article shown to me by my bro about “Malaysian government sets up Internet spin team” and thought it’s another one of those “Satu lagi Projek Kerajaan Barisan Nasional” kind of wacky idea thought up by some small time minister trying to get on the news to put us on the map but end up being an international laughing stock instead…thing, of setting up an Internet Gasing tournament or something. (Whew, that’s a long sentence. Punctuation, Kelvin, Punctuation.) But instead…

It’s setting up a committee of people/ministers/someone who has a Dr./Dato’ in front of his name who will be the public relations department for the government, but focusing on the Internet. They will be looking out for any insidious, politically incorrect, peace threatening, slanderous lies on the Internet that will mislead the public on government policies. In short, a crack team of spin doctors surfing blogs and issuing press releases to cover the politicians’/government’s asses.

Kudos to our efficient Information Ministry which “will be in and out with a press release in seconds to tackle the ‘abuse’ of the Internet and online technology.” Now let’s see how they do it with the congested Streamyx pipes. Maybe after they realised how screwed up Streamyx can be, we might all have faster access (wishful thinking, I know).

But come to think of it, as seen by the past replies, debates and name-calling of our respectable politicians, the committee will have a lot on their plates.

After this piece of news broke out, I received an anonymous information which is classified under the OSA (more known as “Our Special Agreement”). I am risking my ass to publish it here.

This is an excerpt from the guidelines of how to counter the lies on the Internet issued by the Information Ministry to be used by the spin team (translated from the Malay language for the benefit of those who can’t read Malay).

After identifying any untruths, half-truths and nothing but untruth, the following replies/course of actions should be used:

1. Reply “Semuanya OK”.

2. Compare Malaysia to another 3rd World country and remind the people we are better off than said country. Compare with developed country instead if it has anything to do with prices of goods.

3. If it’s some disaster/accident, just reply “It is an act of God.”

4. If the question has too many figures/terms/or you haven’t the faintest idea but think it will potentially make the government/politician look bad (only BN politicians excluding those from MIC, they’ve got that Samy guy to spin for them), reply with “Bodoh”, “You tak suka, you keluar Malaysia”, “Racist” or any combination of the above. Repeat for at least 30 times in press release to put the message across.

5. If it has something to do about women, make a sexist joke and laugh about it.

6. If it has something to do about corruption, state that no report has been made/straight out deny it. ACA will “handle” it.

7. Stick to the rule “If it’s a Malay problem, it’s a national problem; if it’s a Chinese problem, it’s a racial problem; if it’s an Indian problem, it’s not a problem.”

8. If there is a pressing issue raised that needs to be solved, just reply that the relevant ministry (or make up a new ministry) has looked into it without stating a time frame. Use words like “soon”, “in the future” or “whenever the time is right”.

9. If any of the above is not deemed suitable, just ignore it; the people will forget about it because something else will surely come out soon.

Disclaimer: This is a political satire based on an article by The Inquirer. If you take it seriously, please go look for a sense of humour.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 04 Jan 2009 @ 10:37 AM

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Categories: Politics
 02 Mar 2007 @ 10:18 AM 

Middle finger babyTo all Malaysians, I have a Chinese New Year wake up call for you, “Stop being/acting like babies!”

Since returning from Germany the past 2 weeks, I’ve seen this prevailing trend among Malaysians. Please bloody fucking grow up. Pardon me French.

Before a big question mark appear above your head, let me tell you why…

I came back from Penang reading this Malaysiakini article regarding so-called small and medium stock market speculators blaming Pak Lah for painting a rosy picture of the stock market and caused them to suffer heavy losses after the recent slump.

said article can be found here http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/63973 (you need a subscription to read the full text. Get one you cheapskate.)

Why would you even listen to him at the first place? And if you are so easily swayed by the mere rubbish coming out of our Malaysian politicians, I think it’s about time you stop investing and put your money to better use like supporting “Satu lagi Projek Kerajaan Barisan Nasional” projects. At least someone benefits.

Staying on the topic, the recent talk about banning fast food adverts proves my point of Malaysians relying on the Government like tit sucking babies.

Do you need the Government to dictate your decisions? If you know that fast food is unhealthy, stop eating it! Doesn’t take a genius to know that soft drinks are filled with sugar and processed meat are unhealthy. Educate your kids to stop eating fast food. Give them an apple or something. I’m all for stopping Mcdonald’s poisoning the youth on Hello Kitty toys but Malaysian hawker food isn’t going to help reduce those love handles as well.

My advice is to take everything in moderation. I drink, but I drink in moderation. I play video games, but I know when to stop. I eat char kuey teow, but I know when I might start pissing oil.

The more we show our reliance on the Government the more they will think that we need them rather than they need us. We must put them in their place by showing that we are the ones that voted them in. They serve the rakyat and not the other way around. Save the trivial matters to ourselves. This will only give them the excuse of saying we Malaysians are not matured enough and allow them to divert our attention from more important topics like battling corruption and education.

Being back home recently, I realised Malaysia is a great place, but it’s really time for Malaysians to change. It might be a tough hill to climb as there are still lots of uneducated Malaysians in the villages who are easily swayed by RM30 come the elections. But for those who could afford an education and have at least the conscience to vote with your mind, please do the right thing. I’m not telling you to vote the opposition but rather open your eyes and ears and look at the real picture. Don’t be afraid to ask questions during their campaigns and please grow up. You might just give your children a better place to grow up.

Posted By: Kelvin
Last Edit: 04 Jan 2009 @ 10:21 AM

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